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I love reading. I don’t think this should be surprising but I think it's more than just a love for reading, I love the community that existed among readers. Now, there is BookTok, one of the most prolific communities talking about books ever. It is changing the publishing industry and part of that is the result of COVID but I was there beforehand.
In my time we had Book Instagrams where you would post photos of your color-coordinated shelves and the new books. My graduation present from High School was going to be a weekend in New York for BookCon 2020, which would never happen, and canceled the event for the future. I went to the Young Adult Literature Convention (YALC) in 2017 in London. In the UK, I was active on the YA scene with my Tuesdays spent at Waterstones for release days and at signings. Katherine Webber and I saw each other 40 times in one year. I love YA literature and it will always hold a special place in my heart
I came out to my mom via a letter I wrote after seeing a screening of Love, Simon in 2018. I was invited to the UK premiere screening because of my connections with Becky, the author. It is a letter that I have never been able to read again purely because I don’t have a copy of the letter but also for the fact I don’t know what feelings it would provoke. I wrote it in one fugue state. I gave it to my mom and we have never really talked about it since.
I came out to my sisters through a gif from Crazy-Ex Girlfriend. I didn’t explain more and I just expected them to get it. I didn’t want to give them more information than necessary as I was afraid of rejection.
I have the privilege to know that I am lucky as my parents were never going to kick me out but rejection is also an emotional thing. I am the youngest and felt like it was hard to come out but I was safe. It was hard to process that what you feel and love is different than everyone else you know in your life. I felt like I was disappointing my family by saying I love someone else and that it changed their entire worldview of me as I changed what they assumed my life would look like.
I don’t think it is surprising to know that homophobia still exists. I am deeply invested in cases relating to same-sex marriage and gay rights working through the court system but I also know it is more than just those systematic things. I am still not out to my extended family. It was my four-year anniversary of coming out and I thought about posting on my Instagram story about it, but I knew my extended family would hear about it.
Bisexuality is a rich and complicated tapestry. It is not as easy as labeling it and moving on. I feel like I still grapple with what it means to me and if it is the right label. You are constantly adjusting your footing and evaluating it. I feel comfortable with the label of bi and have for a long time but there might be a day where that changes. It’s scary as it feels like you have to reattack the coming out process all over again.
Queer love is exciting and unique. It feels different and exciting. It feels novel to me, whether it's because it was the only love I’ve ever experienced, or because it feels like it has only been written about for a short period of time. Even now, I feel excited and giddy when I see two girls holding hands on the street. Even if I marry a man, I will love in a queer way and it’s such a vital part of me that is intertwined into so many aspects of myself.
My family is straight. My sister is engaged to a man and will be getting married in a setting that is defined by a straight relationship. A family friend got engaged and I don’t think I’ve ever been more uncomfortable than at that bridal party. It felt so very gendered and straight, a setting I am not a part of really. It’s lingerie and the assumption that you were doing the cooking and cleaning for the house. Women who have been married for longer than I’ve been alive give advice on how to be the best wife possible without consideration for their own wants and desires.
Part of queerness is accepting that your partner is the same and worthy just as you are and it feels isolating to see this assumption of unhappiness in straight relationships. I want whoever I end up with to be happy in their own lives as their own person. My female friends talk about how much they hate men and how they treat them and I want to remind them that there’s more than just romantic love at play but also you don’t need to write off a whole gender. It feels reductive and scary as people view dating as this hard awful thing to take part in instead of something fun to get to know other people.
Heartstopper is a webcomic that started publishing in September of 2016, right as I started High School. I had read the author's published novels at that point and I was excited to read a webcomic. I still read it every month on the 1st, 11th, and 21st. This April, it will become a series adapting some of the first stories. It is a wholesome, yet realistic, depiction of being queer now. You have the technology and a sense of community online but you may not have any in-person community. You might feel isolated by your peers because of the rejection of assumptions about who you are and who you might see as your potential partner.
I know that I don’t really have an in-person community. Part of that is the spaces I exist in. Yes, I know I exist in very straight spaces. Arguably, two of the most straight spaces in a college setting: Greek Life and Sports. Greek life has a presumption of straightness where you go to frat parties in an extended mating dance it feels like. It does not need to be openly promoting homophobia to presume every member is straight. I have met queer people in greek life, and it is those members I feel most connected with because you feel like you are deviating from the norm of an organization you have chosen to be a part of. It is difficult because you want to change it from the inside and make it more inclusive but what is the best way to do that?
At the same time, I have heard people called homophobic slurs at parties. Someone was kicked out for kissing their girlfriend. People within my own organization have talked around the fact that I am queer and open about it to some extent. It makes them feel uncomfortable and challenge their own values. It is a space that promotes insular thinking and I believe that is part of it.
Yes, I work in sports. No male professional sports in major leagues have athletes still competing as openly queer. There is an association with sports lesbians. I want to work in sports and be Sara, not just the queer hire. I am passionate about diversity in sports and I don’t want my work to be reduced because of my own identity. I think it is hard to manage how these two things interact as I want to be open as a resource while also wanting my work to be separate from that identity.
I know that the queer community is strong and interwoven into every day and I have that through different online spaces. Queer youth now are seeing representation in books, movies, and TV in a way I don’t remember seeing until I was in high school. I think that being queer can feel isolating from your family and friends sometimes but I think media like Heartstopper and Love, Simon let people rejoice in the queer joy and what a community can be like and feel like.
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