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My mental health journey started pretty early in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in middle school. I was having a really hard time coping with the idea of moving. It was not fun and I definitely needed to seek mental health treatment.
I have had one panic attack in my life. It was a 10-minute presentation about Shakespeare, which is something I love talking about now as a college student. I did a 10-minute presentation from memory in 3 minutes. I felt so out of control and shocked. It just felt wrong. It was in the trailer in the back of the middle school and I remember my hands shaking with the purple notecard in them.
Now, as a college student, I still have anxiety. I get anxious writing emails to professors to ask for an extension. I still get nervous about presentations, not because I’m not good at them but instead I always feel like a 13-year-old with the purple notecard. It is hard to know that your peers can send an email without worrying about disappointing professors, when really it is just my own high expectations, and reading it over 10 times. It’s manageable because I know the steps I need to take to force it to be.
Anxiety is more clear-cut for me. Depression is the thing that sometimes knocks me down. It is the feeling that you are alone and no one cares about you. It is the feeling of no future and feeling lost in the void. I say it is like you are in the middle of the ocean and there are some life preserves and logs in the water to help you float but ultimately you’re treading water. Your life raft can be a job or purpose or friends.
I wish I had a more eloquent way to describe depression. It sucks and will make you feel like the worst version of yourself. It is isolating. How do you tell your friends that you just need time to be alone because you need space to process the fact that you feel alone in the world? I would not wish it on anyone but I am proud that I am able to handle it.
I went to therapy for the first time in middle school. It was a middle-aged man who may not really understand the struggles of a young anxious woman figuring out herself and her sexuality. I moved away and stopped going. For the rest of high school, I was able to manage with the support systems of friends and family. Nothing feels as big of a change as it does at 13.
I came back as a senior in High School due to the stress of college applications and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. It was alright. She was just too nice and soft-spoken. If you have ever met me, I am direct and honest to a fault and she was just not getting it done. I also wanted someone to tell me what to do which is not the point of therapy.
I started regularly going to therapy in January of 2021. COVID was starting to get to me and my family tensions were escalating. It was probably at an all-time low morale-wise, and this is coming from someone who has spent periods of my life with only my family. Part of it was taking away school, which was a support system for me with socialization. I also love learning and I felt like Zoom took that passion away from me.
I go every week while I’m in Michigan. I think it is so important for me and my ability to be myself. Is it awkward when you have to tell people you can’t make a meeting because of therapy? Yes, absolutely. I do it because it humanizes me and my story. I am not some scary robot in college doing work and school and internships but rather a student who has their own struggles. I also think talking about mental health is important to talk about generally. Therapy is not talking about your issues to some random face on a couch but I say it is healing and healthy. You know you can talk about anything. I say it feels like face-timing a friend and I believe it is only possible as I have a great therapist.
Part of my therapy journey coincided with my move to college and I do not think that was accidental. My family is a really structured unit. We have certain times for everything and my mom runs a tight ship. Moving to college, I had a lot more free time which was not always beneficial. I would save assignments for the last minute and it was a struggle to manage my time as there was just too much time.
It makes sense then that I got diagnosed with ADHD shortly after starting therapy. These thoughts are a little disjointed because that’s how I think. There is no A to Z really, just A to B to Z to T to C in my mind. When I am in class, I am so focused on class and the lecture presentation that it never really became a problem until it was zoom class and I had just a video on my laptop engaging me. It also explains my procrastination. I prefer to save everything to the last minute if possible. I can just focus and get it done in one sitting. I usually have a rough outline in my head and prefer to do a one-and-done. I force myself to have structure in my life to get it done even if only for a short time.
I write candidly about my mental illness because I know it would have helped me to hear someone talk about it. I take medication every day and it allows me to be the student I am. I am not a superb athlete or celebrity. I am just a normal college student that sometimes struggles with getting out of bed. It is normal to have hard days but if every day is a hard day, seek out help. Mental health is less stigmatized but it is hard and individual and I think the best thing you can do about it is to think about it and how you can help yourself be better.
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