sometimes friends suck

Ann Arbor is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life. The longest my family has ever lived in one house is our current house, as this year will be our third summer living there. I painted my room for the first time when I was a junior in high school. So, you may be wondering how this connects to my social relationships. Students come in to college knowing people from high school or even earlier. Most of those people have known each other for more than two years. When I entered college, the longest I had ever been friends with someone was two years. When I graduate, I will have known people for 4 years which is a new high for me. So, because I never had to think about what friendships look like past the two year mark, I knew that there was going to be a lot of adjustments 

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My sister is very much what could be described as cool, she was always on trend and up to date on what was happening. I very much was not cool. My sisters pinned me down on the floor to wax my eyebrows for the first time because I didn’t care about it. Everyone in my family wishes I wore contacts instead of glasses, but I feel better with them on. I shopped at Hot Topic in middle school and was invested in Dan and Phil (and still am). My parents told me I was not allowed to dye my hair while in high school, especially not before sorority rush. So I did it five days after receiving a bid to a sorority. My parents told me I would have no financial assistance in college if I got a tattoo while in college. I have an appointment with a tattoo artist after the final day of classes. So, I know I was not cool and I have always been willing to do things that are not “cool”, but coming into college I wanted to be cool.

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I never saw college as a place to reinvent myself, but maybe a chance to be accepted by people. I wanted to fit in and be accepted to a group because I never had that experience before. I never compromised on who I was or what I wanted. But, I was willing to hide parts of myself or make them smaller. When I started seeing my therapist, most of my sessions were about how I wanted to fit in but knew that I didn’t. 

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Sport Management is a majority, approximately 75%, male dominated major. There are also a lot of people from the New York and New Jersey area. I did not fit in what was expected for SM and still don’t. I really struggled with this as I had a few friends in the major but not anywhere near the level of my peers and I was in leadership roles. In my junior year I realized that I was valued because I was competent but they did not like me. I was successful. I realized SM might not have been the community I wanted when I entered college. SM was not going to be where I found the people I connected with on a large scale. Yes, I made what I would consider 3 long term friendships because of sport management and they are all women from the suburbs like me and understand my perspective.

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The other place I searched for community was through Greek Life. I applied to be in leadership and risk management, with leadership nominating me and recommending me. I would not get the position. I later learned it was because people thought I was too influential and would take away from their authority. I was given a lot of responsibility, but never titles or recognition. I can handle people not liking me and I know I come off very strong. I knew there were girls who did not like me, and I was okay with that. But, I thought I had a smaller group of friends I could trust. These people were nice to my face, would invite me out when they saw me. There was no outward indication that I wasn’t wanted. It was all passive aggressive, in hindsight, until it wasn’t. 

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The word traumatizing is used to describe a lot of experiences these days. I don’t want to be hyperbolic but I think that the most traumatic experience of college was when I left the Ohio State game early and was told that I was the first student to leave the stadium. In a group of 8 girls, there was no room for me and no accommodation to try and let me into the stands. At that moment, I knew that I was not valued or wanted. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt but when I reached out I received no apology or acknowledgement of those feelings. I have not spoken or seen them since. I had invested three years into what I thought were valuable friendships and they actually were nothing. 

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Part of this project was because I wanted something to occupy my time during this semester as I was running short on friends. I watch a lot of TV and have a lot of time to do things with my hands. I haven’t been out since September and I kinda don’t care about it. I’ve just realized that the time I spend doing crafts makes me feel better than standing in a party with people who pretend to like me. 

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ou might read this and think I have purposely excluded things that would make me look bad. In some ways I have, there were fights with girls I met through Greek Life that were intensely personal and led to conflict that still has not been resolved and I don’t think ever will. But, I tried to reach out and help where possible. I am not a perfect friend. But, I tried my best and I can leave knowing that. I came into college knowing that I was going to have to learn how to be a good friend, but I never really had a model on how to be one. 

 

I also think there were probably places I could have found friends that I did not use enough. I think I fit more with the culture of Kerrytown than I do Frats. But, I am leaving Michigan with lessons and knowledge of how I want to be better. 

 

Ella reached out to me in the winter of our freshman year when we were in class together on zoom. We talked about SM culture while I folded laundry. She is now president of the largest sports business organization in the nation. When I graduated high school during COVID a friend gave me a keychain with Michigan on it to celebrate the end of an era. She noted it was because of my empathy and energy that she wanted to give it to me. For the same reasons, I made one for Ella to celebrate the end of college.